we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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