if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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