I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
