i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
