I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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