Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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