I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
