I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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