I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
