i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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