remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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