I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
