I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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