did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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