the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
