He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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