Have you finally orgasmed yet?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
