sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
