Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
