oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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