turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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