ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just pynch a tree in the face
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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