There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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