btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
