i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
