I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
