i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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