i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
