there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
