This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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