I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
