a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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