I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
