I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
