if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
