??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
