dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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