guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
