So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize