there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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