If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
