I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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