I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize