I think my vagina is haunted
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize