i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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