I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
