I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
