Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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