It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
