dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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