Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
