Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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