She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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