Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
