i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
