normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
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