ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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