Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
