My liver just broke up with me...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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