I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
